In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
