the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
