He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
