i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
