i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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