I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Two words: blizzard sex
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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