well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
