I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
