Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
