The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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