i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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