She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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