Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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