my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
