There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
