my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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