why didn't you poke me back
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
