On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
