So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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