why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
this is an emotional support booty call
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
