I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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