Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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