I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
