I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
