maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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