Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
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