My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Im just a social blackout drinker.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
