I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
