Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
