lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
