Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
