watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
