There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
