Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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