3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
