Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
