I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
