Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
