What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
