4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
