fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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