wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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