I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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