I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
