Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
