When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
