R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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