its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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