Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
