fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
