You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
